Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Reentering Civilization

Step 1: Shave off the beard.


I’m back in North Carolina and back in school. Because I have a part-time job working with kids at an elementary school, I decided that I needed to de-creepify myself a little bit.

It was either I get rid of the van or the beard. I went with the beard.

Shaving off a beard is like leaving a close friend. You don’t realize you’ll miss him until he’s gone. And now when I go to stroke my beard (as I frequently and lovingly did), I’m reminded of my rash decision and my lost friend.

Thoreau—the civil disobedient that he was—sported what can only be termed a “neckbeard”—a manly mane of hair sub-chin—that women, he claimed, found becoming.


This is contentious for several reasons. Firstly, Thoreau—according to some historians—was celibate. Alluring the opposite sex thus would have been of little importance to him. Secondly, Thoreau was—neckbeard aside—ugly. Nathanial Hawthorne claimed he was “ugly as sin, long-nosed, queer-mouthed, and with uncouth and rustic, though courteous manners, corresponding very well with such an exterior.” And Louisa May Alcott was reported to have said that his facial hair “will most assuredly deflect amorous advances and preserve the man’s virtue in perpetuity,” which is a fancy way of saying that Thoreau ain’t gettin’ any with that dead animal draped around his neck.

Maybe that’s the very reason why Thoreau grew-out his neckbeard. I wonder if I, too, would have been better off with the beard (or the 70’s porn ’stache). Perhaps it, like Thoreau’s neckbeard, would have deterred a-wooing females from breaking my rather prolonged streak of celibacy, which has enabled me, this past year, to focus my attentions more on the subjects of the mind and spirit than of the body.

But then again, living in a van, in itself, practically guarantees my continued celibacy. This, as I’ve hinted, isn’t necessarily a bad thing, yet I do fantasize about the day when I can ask some amorously-advancing someone, “so you wanna go back to my place?” and then savor her reaction when she sees my home-on-wheels.

5 comments:

Seth said...

I think it will work, as long as there isn't still a funk coming from the van when you open the door.

Josh said...

i'm willing to bet it happens soon... can't wait for that blog entry

Fool Circle said...

Beards are awesome.

Two little sights myself and a friend mess around with that you may find humorus (or not).

First is Bizarro Roby - http://bizarroroby.wordpress.com/. It's essentially a site where we document people we see that look like my friend Roby. Sometimes they're really good, sometimes, not so much.

Second is Roby vs. The Razor - http://robyrazor.wordpress.com/. We're still trying to get this one fired off proper-style, but essentially myself and a friend bet another friend a $1 a day for 1 year that he couldn't go without shaving. Let's just say the bet is on and the website will (eventually) document the process. Check'em out!

obbop said...

Atop Missouri's Ozark Plateau awaits a plethora of tattoo-laden caricatures of femininity avidly awaiting your call to enter thine van.

Rancid odors and foul emissions and deplorable personal hygiene of no regard..... as long as via disposable income or the substance itself ye can offer some of that beloved meth (heard as "crank" west of the Rockies).

Yep.

Oriana White said...

I love your blog! Having lived in my small subaru at times, and now that I bought a van and am going to set off in it soon, I can really appreciate all the points you bring up on this page. Kudos to you for not living "the norm".