If I ever publish a book about living in a van, it would be my dream come true. That’s because—at the height of my fame—I’d be able to cash in on a series of substance-less, get-rich-quick, money-making schemes. At the top of that list is the Kama Sutra of Cuddling.
The self-help book industry is huge. And there are tons of books out there to help couples liven things up in bedroom (not that I've, uh, ever looked at any of them). My book will follow a similar format except that 1.) It will be a coffee table book and 2.) It will show and describe cuddling positions.
I know what you’re thinking: Ken, what makes YOU an authority on cuddling? To be honest, nothing. But if I buy a robe, light up some incense, grow out my mustache, and start talking about my ch’i, then maybe I can pass myself off as some sort of cuddling guru when the time comes.
Of course these aren’t just any cuddling moves. The following illustrations have gone through a rigorous process of trial, error, some pulled muscles, and countless revisions. Enough revisions to piss off my illustrator. After I had her revise the “Virtual” position for the sixth time she said, “How 'bout from now on if you have something specific in mind, you don't be shy and just tell me off the bat… I know these are simple drawings, but simple looking doesn't mean simple making.”
Of course the book will feature your standard positions—the spoon, the reverse spoon, the reverse spoon double leg-locked bedpost grip with a twist—you know, the standards. Instead of including them all, I just wanted to use this post to give a quick teaser before it’s on bookstore bookshelves everywhere.
With no further ado, I present to you a few choice selections from the Kama Sutra of Cuddling.
Position #34: The Horse
Full leg braces are recommended for this one.
Position #53: Stacked spoons
I was never crazy about the term “spooning” because in a silverware drawer spoons aren’t typically arranged on their sides. This position--with one person stacked atop the other--does honor to the utensil.
Position #183: Hooks
This one’s for those who have a predilection for body suspension.
Position #402: Dual-Immolation
Going to burn yourselves alive to end world hunger? Why not go out in good cuddling form? (This one disturbed my illustrator whose only demand was that her name not be associated in any way with this project. In her words: “I must say though - all the new ones you've come up with while single are a bit disturbing. 'Cuddling' by sleeping alone, hanging from hooks, burning alive....what the hell is wrong with you?!!!”)
Position #682: Virtual Cuddling
Hell, many live more in online role-playing games than they do in real life. This position seems inevitable.
Position#1438: The “I just need some sleep”
Position #1584: The vandweller
Not that I would ever, uh, sleep with my boyhood stuffed animal, Mr. Ruffles.
Some future ridiculous ideas to look forward to: The “Man in the Van” children’s book series, “Jesus: The TV Show,” and the clear car.